HOW (NOT) TO BEHAVE AT A FUNERAL
Here are some basic rules for a correct and civil conduct to be adopted during the performance of a funeral. In this life, people around you have a curious tendency to die when you least expect it. During the ceremony, you have to maintain a discreet and respectful attitude, these are some useful indications on how to (not) show your due respect for the unfortunate deceased.
1- Before leaving the house, paint on your arm some stitches with a red pen. In the burning room, wait for some people to gather, then lift the sleeve of your shirt, start scratching your arm and crying hysterically: “My God! It’s contagious!”.
2 – Present yourself disguised as a clown. Every time the widow blows her nose, play the trumpet hung around your neck.
3- Say that you dropped a contact lens into the coffin and look for it. Punch the corpse and say he started it, then look at the deceased as if he has it.
4- Put a dog shit on the coffin; when someone presumably will tell you something, tell him he’s an imbecile because he hasn’t noticed that it is made of plastic. If he picks it up and finds out it’s not true, then laugh at him.
5- Use the tongue of the dead man to stick a stamp in an envelope. Put an apple or a fake vampire denture in his mouth. Throw a handful of rice over the deceased and shout: “Worms! Worms!”.
6- Fart as if there’s no tomorrow and complain loudly about the bad smell of the corpse.
7- Go to the burial ceremony with a hawk on your shoulder; say it’s your mascot.
8- Spread insecticide on the corpse and say it’s to prevent flies from eating it. If you see a gardener nearby, ask him about the fertilization of the grass. Suggest that he install a water fountain for people to drink.
9- When the widow throws the first handful of dirt, push her into the tomb; then throw the dirt at her as if it were a game. Laugh. Use a shovel with the rest of the spectators, to animate them a bit.
10 – Tell the widow that you were her spouse’s lover and that his last wish was for you to make love to him. Ask her if they buried him with prostheses.
